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Spock watched his Captain from the Science Station on the brand new Enterprise-A. He knew they had been... involved. He knew it. He couldn't feel it. Jim Kirk swivelled his chair and gave him a little, bitter-sweet smile. Spock turned back his attention on his panels. He would ask the doctor.
'Well, look - what can I say? It's not logical, it's not something you can define, it's not something you explain. Love just happens. Do you understand?'
'I will try.' He paused. 'I had another question.'
'Yes?'
'I can remember... unusual sensations. I am not sure of their provenance. There is nothing there on my body to explain it.'
'Sensations, huh?' McCoy raised an eyebrow. 'Strip and hop onto that table.'
'Strip?' Spock straightened his spine. 'There is no need to do so to perform an examination.'
'I'm the doctor. If I say �strip�, you strip. Nothing can replace a good, old-fashioned check-up. Now strip.'
Spock suffered through McCoy's prodding and gritted his teeth when the doctor started muttering and puttering on his computer. After a while, he came back and told Spock he could put his clothes on again.
'Right. Are you sure you don't know what's happening? Don't you remember your first pon farr?'
The Vulcan tilted his head. 'I am not sure. Which one?'
'Ah � you've got a point. Well, anyway, in a couple of months you'll be in pon farr again. We have to schedule surgery in, say, two weeks. We'll still be studying that solar system, so it's not a problem. Spock?'
'Surgery?'
'Yes, surgery. You mean you really don't remember? I thought you just didn't want to talk about it.'
'Lt Saavik said my body underwent pon farr on the planet.'
'What happened on that damn planet was too quick to have any consequences. Your body didn't exactly follow Genesis' development, otherwise you would be very old now - at best.' McCoy shrugged. 'Once the rush of hormones passed, your body went back to a more quiescent state. Haven't you noticed something missing? Say, around where you get those �unusual sensations�?'
Spock looked increasingly uncomfortable. 'I thought I could remember a malformation.'
'There were a few, well, unusual things, but once I had patched you up, you were fine. Just ask Jim; he never complained.'
'But why was this not corrected on Vulcan?'
'Your hormones have always been a mess, and that hasn't changed. You would have needed to take hormones to speed up the process, and there could have been consequences no one could predict. I got you through once already, so I just kept an eye on you. And you still need to find a partner for the good bits. I'm sure Jim's willing to help.'
'Doctor, will you please cease - '
'Look, I'm not saying this to make you uncomfortable.' Spock raised an eyebrow. 'Right, just a bit, then. But it's true. You just can't go through pon farr alone. And Jim... he's not a stranger. You must try and reconnect to what you two had, Spock. I know you've already recovered a lot of your memories. I know that you've gone far beyond anything them Vulcans ever dared imagine... But we Humans, we know you can do even better. If you don't... I don't want to lose both of you, and that's all I'm ever going to say on the subject.'
Spock was silent for a while. 'Thank you, doctor.'
'I just don't want to have gone through having my brain turned to mush by meddlesome Vulcans be all for nothing. Now run along, Mr Spock.'
McCoy waited for the Vulcan to be out of earshot before calling the Captain.
Hands.
His hands had touched Jim. Jim's hands had touched him.
Lips.
They had kissed. A lot. Everywhere.
He remembered it. He could remember almost everything, even if some moments were more... hazy than others.
He remembered Jim. He remembered what they had. He remembered the facts. He even, somehow, remembered the emotions.
But he could not explain them. He was not sure he could feel them again, like he knew he had - before.
Jim looked up from his computer terminal as the door to his quarters opened. Spock came in to stand before him, looking everywhere but at his Captain.
'Spock?'
'Captain... Jim.' A pause. 'I must ask you something.'
'Yes?'
'I don't understand it.'
'What is it you don't understand?'
Spock's eyes found Jim's. 'I remember... sensations. Emotions. On Vulcan, I was told that it was natural that I should have them, especially given that I am half-Human. That meditation would help. But I do not know why I... feel what I feel. Dr McCoy said that it is not supposed to make sense, and that I should ask you.'
'Mm. What is it that do you feel, then?'
Spock looked down. 'I know we were involved.'
Jim felt as though he were on a high-gravity planet and three elephants had suddenly fallen on his chest.
'I do not wish to cause you unnecessary anguish - '
The Human worked his jaw for a moment. 'No, no, it's fine, I � I'm fine. I thought you didn't remember.'
'I do. But I am confused.'
'I bet you are.' Jim rose and walked to Spock. 'Do you only remember the feelings? Or do you still... have them?'
'I do not know. But I remember. I remember everything.'
Jim's shoulders slumped as he put his head on Spock's chest. 'I think I needed to hear that, at least...'
Awkwardly, hesitantly, Spock tried to wrap his arms around Jim. He remembered that, too: embracing Jim, and Jim burrowing deeper and deeper into his embrace, tucking his head under his chin, venting about whatever he needed to vent about at the end of a long day � Starfleet bureaucracy, incompetent administrations, bothersome diplomats...
Jim sighed, but didn't say a word; he simply closed his eyes and breathed Spock. It wasn't exactly what he really needed, but it was something: Spock remembered. He let Jim touch him, too, even he was still a bit stiff and ill-at-ease... It had taken a long time for Spock to be comfortable with touching, the first time around.
Jim let himself lean more and more into the Vulcan.
The ship's engines hummed as they always did at warp speed. It was comforting, like a mother's heartbeat is to the unborn child. The stillness always took some time to get used to again when they were planetside... The Enterprise among the stars � that was their true home.
Spock kept quiet, and Jim was basking in his warmth; nothing disturbed them, until Jim shifted a bit against Spock � and Spock, wide-eyed, jumped away from the Captain.
'What...?'
Spock didn't answer; he was too busy trying to control his breathing and heartbeat.
'What happened?'
Eventually, Spock shook his head and looked at Jim. 'You touched me', he whispered. 'You touched me, and I felt...'
'Felt? Felt what?'
Spock stared. And then Jim understood. He'd moved against Spock... all of Spock. McCoy had warned him that on Genesis, his hours-long pon farr had influenced his body, though not as much as a real-time pon farr would have. He was half-way between the two states, between innocence and experience, at a place where no Vulcan was ever supposed to be. His body had experienced part of it, his katra had memories of it, but in another life... his life with Jim.
And so Jim smiled, and raised his head, and said, 'Don't be afraid. Meld with me, Spock.'
'Are you certain?'
'Yes.'
Spock moved his fingers to Jim's temple and felt a rush of adrenaline through Jim's body, a cry resounding through his own thoughts � he recognized this mind, it was familiar, and yet it was different. It was home, too. And there were memories mirroring his, and sensations parallel to his, and, and � desires, too... things no one can explain, no one needs explained.
Jim took Spock's hand and led him to the bed, took off their uniform jackets and boots, and stretched on the covers beside Spock. Spock let him.
'You're just a bit aroused, that's all. Do you remember?'
The corner of Spock's eyes crinkled a bit, and Jim felt his chest tighten. 'Yes. With you. Only with you.' A pause. 'Let me', he said, and he raised a hand to wipe a tear on Jim's cheek.
'It's just... it's...'
'I understand.'
'Do you?'
'Yes. Not everything - but that, I understand.' Bitter-sweet things, like seeing his mother's hair turn white, watching Sarek put her favourite books on the lower shelves and claim he needed the space on the upper ones... Caring. Caring for someone, yes, he could understand it. It was logical.
He shifted his hand to Jim's nape, and pulled him down for a kiss - or perhaps it was Jim who leaned into him. It did not matter.
'I missed this, you know.'
An eyebrow raised. 'Sleeping?'
'Sleeping against you. Waking up next to you.'
'Ah.' Spock touched Jim's temple. 'I missed sharing your mind.'
Jim smiled in the dim light that passed for night on a ship. 'Yes... I also missed sharing other stuff.' He twisted on the bed to kiss an eartip. 'I want to touch you.'
'You are touching me.'
'I am touching clothes, mostly. I want to see what you look like, now. Before pon farr.'
'You have always been curious... But there is simply nothing there.'
'I want to see it. It's not �nothing� to me. Please?' He tugged on Spock's uniform.
'You are relentless. Very well, then.'
Jim took in the long, lean body lying on the bed � it was still the same as before. There was strength there, and tenderness when it touched him - or there had been. Maybe there still was... He petted the shiny black hair, skimmed over slightly raspy cheeks � Spock had always had a fast growing beard, which was uncommon for Vulcans. He once said he took it from his mother, and McCoy had howled for hours... until Jim urged Spock to help him fake a message from Sarek asking the doctor to 'desist insulting his wife'. He only realized they had been played a joke on him when Spock confessed out of honesty. Things were so simple back then.
Jim's fingers followed the trail of hair that ran down from Spock's chest. It felt the same as before, too � coarse hair, soft, dry skin, and Spock's breathing deepening... he was even closing his eyes, now, as Jim drew lazy patterns on his groin. He could feel something twitching under the skin, and he teased it - delighting in Spock's soft gasps, in the moments when his breathing hitched and his eyelids fluttered.
'Can I make love to you?'
Spock opened his eyes. 'Why do you ask?'
'I don't know, Bones seems to think you're not really able to.'
'Do you usually follow his advice?'
Jim smiled. Spock had a point, he tended to do what he wanted whenever possible - and even when not possible, sometimes. 'Tell me if I hurt you.'
But Spock never said a word, he only shifted a little sometimes, or touch Jim's arm to stop him for a moment. Jim was careful, slow and thorough � this was a new, virgin body, after all, muscle control or not; it was precious to him, warm and safe and home. Something of which one would always take great care.
After a while, Spock stretched his neck with a long sigh before raising on an elbow, and he reached out to pull Jim's lips to his. 'Do not make me wait so long,' he said as his fingers tightened on Jim's scalp, 'I need new memories now...'
They kissed, and they were awkward at first as Spock tried to remember how to kiss Jim and couldn't quite focus enough to do so, and Jim tried to apply some lube to himself and only managed to let the tube fall off the bed. They were fifty-year-old teenagers trying to have sex like grown-ups, and everything felt new and incredible and unmanageable. Even Spock's lips curved up as Jim laughed into his shoulder.
'Good god, we're so doomed!'
Spock raised an eyebrow. 'I must disagree. I am not.'
Jim grinned. 'You... yes, you're right. I must remedy this.'
They started anew, and soon their earlier fumblings were forgotten. Jim was intent, focussed on Spock, determined to make him clutch his shoulders and arch his back and mutter harsh Vulcan words, as he had only ever done for him. He was here, alive, so very much alive; and at last he could forget the sight of him burnt and dying, sliding down slowly, blindly against the transparent aluminium, his voice rasping words of comfort and logic that Jim had never, could never have accepted. Yes, Spock was very much alive - his eyes shone, his skin was flushed, his lips were full from kissing... And there was no pain of the body, no pain of the heart.
'Jim', he gasped. 'Jim, please...' He stroked Jim's temple and cheek.
'Yes...'
They melded again, and Spock felt the tears of joy prickling at the corners of Jim's eyes, the lump in his throat and the sense of coming home at last - and Jim felt his own hand over Spock's half-developed genitals, his desperation to come and need to share in Jim's release to experience his... and it was enough.
Jim opened his eyes to peer at the alarm clock. Four in the morning; plenty of time left before their shifts. He looked down at Spock's face; his eyes were half-closed and he didn't even acknowledge Jim's flattened hand skimming over his chest � no twitch, no sigh, no move, nothing.
'Come on, I know you're not asleep.' But no answer was forthcoming. 'Don't make me call Bones!'
Jim started to worry. He raised the lighting, and froze. Spock looked like he was drugged, or � or like he did after that mind-meld with V'Ger. Totally oblivious with everything on this plane of existence. Locked away from the here and now... but peaceful.
He called McCoy.
'Jim, I can't believe you're dragging me out of bed that early when there's no emergency that I know of!'
Jim thrust a cup in his hand and steered him towards the sleeping area. 'Here's your coffee, here's your patient.'
McCoy blinked owlishly at the coffee, then at Spock. 'Jim?'
'What? You haven't even examined him yet!'
'I remember telling you he wasn't sexually mature yet, right?' The doctor was clearly failing to refrain from snickering.
'But... Bones!' Jim flushed. 'Stop laughing, and do something!'
'Mm.' He whipped out his medical tricorder to check his diagnosis, and all the while Jim paced around the bed, torn between strangling the doctor and banging his head on the walls.
'So? Can't you give him a shot of something?'
'Jim, calm down. There's nothing I can do, or rather nothing that would be any better than letting him come back to himself. He's fine.'
'He's not! Look at him!' Jim was frantic.
'You're overreacting. He's not dead, Jim. And you both ignored my medical advice, as usual. His body and brain haven't developed enough to deal normally with sexual stimulation and orgasm. It'll just take longer. So let him enjoy his afterglow in peace, will you?'
'But... I thought...' Jim sagged on the bed and took Spock's hand in his.
'I know.' Bones dragged a chair to sit in front of the Captain. 'You never really mourned, did you? You're afraid to lose him again.'
'Don't analyse me.'
'You can't pretend it never happened. You both tried to act as you used to, but you can't ignore it. Last time he talked to me, he didn't look like he knew where to stand with you.'
'I didn't force him,' Jim snapped.
'I'm not saying you did. But you can be pretty hard to resist.' McCoy smiled ruefully. 'Hey, who else than James T. Kirk could have made me sign for deep space duty again and enjoy it?'
'You think I should leave him be, then.'
The doctor sighed. 'I don't know, Jim. I really don't know. There are no procedures, no records I can use. Just... Don't push him, and don't push yourself either.' He stood up. 'Look, call me if you want to talk about it, right? As your doctor - or as your friend.' He bent over the bed. 'And you too, Spock.'
As McCoy walked out, Jim gazed down at Spock's relaxed face. 'Afterglow, huh.' He paused. 'Didn't you know? Why didn't you stop me? I love you, you know, but sometimes I think...' Jim sighed. 'You and me... is it just habit, now? Nothing else but habit?'
Spock's hand twitched at that moment, and squeezed Jim's. Not very strongly, not for very long, but for Jim it was enough. Spock was here, even if he didn't move; and he had come back to Jim by choice. He'd really wanted him; he still did - Jim could feel it through their touch. It was worth everything in the world. Everything Jim had risked, everything he'd been ready to lose - all that he'd lost...
I grieve with thee, he felt in his mind.
'Spock?'
Jim. Tell me.
'You're in here?'
Obviously. Tell me about David.
'I don't know what to feel... I lost him, but I got you back. And I didn't really know him, not like you, but � I don't know... He is, he was my son.'
Are those feelings contradictory? They do not concern the same things. He still is your son.
Jim smiled. 'If Bones knew you're giving me emotional counselling � can you imagine his face?'
Spock's fingers tightened again, and then Jim felt him fall asleep. He followed his lead.
He felt warm and comfortable, and he didn't ever want to wake up to a universe where Spock did not, could not remember. So he tried to stay in his dreams of a dry hand on his stomach, of a hot breath on his nape, of -
'Spock?'
Jim's eyes opened into a familiar face. He was here. He was here, for real � for good. For him.
'Stay with me?'
'Someone once said my place was here by your side, always.'
'Edith.'
'Yes.'
'You remember?'
'Of course.'
Jim smiled at the Vulcan � his Vulcan. He'd got him back; all of him. Spock's features softened for a moment, and Jim grabbed him and flipped them over.
'Whatever Bones says � I still want to keep you here in bed with me.'
Spock wriggled out from under the human. 'In two weeks' time.'
'Spoilsport.'
'We are due on the bridge in an hour. But Jim � thank you.' Even Spock, half-human though he might be, and for all his years spent among humans, hardly ever thanked anyone. Jim stared at him, and thought that he had no regrets. His rank, his ship, were nothing when Spock was alive. David had been almost a total stranger, a stranger he would forever wish he'd known better. But he had a new chance with Spock, and nothing would ever be worth more than that. Nothing.
As for Spock, he was not certain he would ever remember all the things he had forgotten, but Jim had given him a future to look forward to instead of just a past to obsess about. He thought that, maybe, this was what what Amanda had tried to tell him � that his life was not only about regaining what he'd lost, but also making new memories... living again. Feeling again.
Jim had given him feelings again.